I need to write,...

 I need to write, I know its been a minute, but honestly,  I haven't felt that there was anything important to write about. I am not an interesting person, not one to have an interesting topic to talk about, just kinda a nerd in my own right. I have knowledge of a lot of things, but they are things most people aren't interested in. I let ideas come to me, and they were coming freely, I write freely here. What's on my mind, what I am feeling, and what I think about. I have had some ask me, or really tell me, that its like reading your diary. I dont know if that is what I want this to be, but I want it to be what it is. maybe these are the times I need to dig harder, maybe these are the times I am suppressing something, maybe this is when I just need something, someone, I dont know. But here I am. 

I wish I could disconnect from social media for good.

I really wish I could get rid of all, or at least most of my social media accounts. They are so horrible for your, ok, I promised to be as real as I can be here, MY mental health. On any of your random Spacebook threads you can find so much negativity, hate, criticism, and it's just draining. It's truly sprit and soul draining. I have a few social media platforms I am active in, and they have different things followed in them. I try to have at least one that is "good" and full of just my interest, that I try to be pretty quiet in. It is where I go at night to read. So, it's not too bad. About the only problem I have with letting go of my Spacebook account is my games.  I admit I am a gamer girl. Yes, there it is...there is a nerd alert. 

I can and do at times sit all day long, playing a game on my phone or my laptop. Depending on what device I am playing on is what I like to play. These days if I am on my phone, I am playing Monopoly Go. I am one of the billion people in the world that spins dice and trades cards, and I absolutely love it. Before MoGo came along. I was usually playing Slots. I like playing slots in the casinos in real life, and I try to go at least once or twice a year. Just for fun and something to do. I like to play the slots on my phone thought because, you're not using real money, and that makes my bank account really happy. If I am on my laptop, I am playing Farmville 2. Yes...I still play Farmville2. I have been playing for over 10 years now. 

If I were to deactivate or delete my account entirely, I would not have access to the game connected to the account. This is a struggle for me. As bad and as toxic scrolling social media is and can be, I can't let it go. My games actually help me. They keep my brain occupied, and they keep me busy when I don't have the energy to be physically busy doing some house chore that is probably a bit behind. They give me a purpose, and a reason to get up the next day, a feeling of accomplishment when completing a timed task. I know it is "just a game" but to me they are so much more. 

Why is it so bad?

 I recently talked to a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a while. I haven't been one to reach out to anyone in months. I don't even leave my house unless I have to. When I do, I am not out for long.  My friend offered to meet for dinner that night, the offer was nice, however we declined. When I told my friend that I haven't been out of the house, nor really talked to anyone in months, he replied, that's not good.  I don't know what he is really meaning by that, I have found that is has been quite peaceful.

The more I have stayed in my home, with my love, and our menagerie of animals, the quieter and more peaceful my life and mind has been. I am not carrying the weight of other people's worries. I am not hearing the gossip and drama, of others, nor am I being involved in the continuance of it. I am not being looked at to fix things that are not up to me to fix. I am not putting others above myself.  

I can worry about me and what is important to me. I can watch documentaries all day with my love, I can spend all day cuddling in bed with my dog, I can spend the day on any of my numerous hobbies and activities I enjoy doing. 

I am spending more time caring for our home, myself and my relationship. Living a quiet peaceful and more private life. How is that bad? 

Put your EYES on your friends that struggle.

This morning, I was cruising the Spacebook as I usually do, and saw a post a friend had posted. In the post, a picture of a sink loaded with dirty dishes are seen, counter tops need to be cleaned, and I am sure trash needs to be taken out along with a lot of other household chores. My friend captioned the post saying Her dishes because clearly, she needs help and I'm already wishing she would've asked me for it.    It made me look at the stack of dishes I have that need done. Almost every plate we own is dirty, a lot of silver wear, and random pots and pans. It made me think of the handful plus of dog hair that was raked off the living room floor yesterday, and the stack of dirty laundry in our bathroom, along with the numerous other household chores that are behind. I commented to her post with Would you like to see my kitchen?  

Sometimes we have to listen closer to our friends we know struggle. As that friend, it's so hard to say... I need help. It makes us feel even worse than we do already. Yet, the mountain of laundry is overwhelming to just look at, let alone say. Well, let me at least get it washed and dried. Fold and put away can happen later. Again, overwhelming, it's a horrible cycle that we want to stop. But can't. We use all the energy we have to wake up and get out of bed, put real clothes on and do the minimum we have to for that day. Some can't even muster the energy for the minimum. 

This is a face of depression that is not seen unless you put your EYES on your friends that you know struggle through life. A text, a social media comment. or message is great, but a lot of things can be hidden in words. It's said that it takes a village to raise a child. Yet so many adults need that village too. 

A view of my depression..

It's been about 2 weeks since I've washed my hair. Probably been about that long since I have run a brush through it. I don't have the type of hair that gets super oily easily. So, I can get away with not washing my hair probably longer than most can it's a bonus for my depression.  Maybe about halfway through that 2-week timeframe, this board straight bleach blonde hair of mine was just bothering me. Brushing my neck, tickling my ear, giving me the feeling that something was crawling on me. So up into a bun it went. I don't wear my hair up often, ok I can rephrase that to almost never, if my hair is up, it's probably mid-July or August and I am just so stinking hot I can't stand it anymore. that's usually the only time I wear it up. After about a week, it's a semi tangled mess, but I do enjoy the volume it gives unbrushed, and the texture of the tangles helps to hold an updo. I usually don't roll it to tight, nor do I sinch it to my head tight. Just a twist of a hair tie, enough to keep it up, in some kind of control, contained and out of the way. After sleeping in it all night, my hair is still in place, in a loose neat bun at the nape of my neck, a few long strands of hair have come loose that are delicately tucked back in as not to disturb the rest, and believe it or not, I think it looks nice. 

Judge me if you want to, I don't mind. this is a view of my depression. I want it seen. I want it known. I want you to know it because I know it all too well. I want others who also know it well to know that they are not the only ones. I want them to know that there is someone else out there that is just like them. that do the same things they do, that struggle with the simplest of daily task. I need to know I am not the only one, and I am not alone and neither are you.  

My heartbeat is at my feet.

It's May, the weather is pleasant, and the birds are singing, and I woke up a bit earlier than usual. 7am to be exact. The wind was blowing a cool breeze into the bedroom, the blanket was covering my eyes from the light also coming in the window, I was in complete bliss with my two loves snuggled in close still snoring away. Except for one problem. I had to pee. No matter how hard I try and how much I debate on just letting it go in the bed, (you know you have considered it too.) I have yet figured out how to control my brain and bladder to cooperate with me until I am ready. So, I was awake. Now, we all have our wake-up morning routines, some are full of activities, others are quiet and peaceful. Personally, I like the quiet ease into the day type mornings, I also don't like to start any kind of work until after Noon at least so there's that. Almost every day for the last 3 years, my mornings have looked like this wake up, go to the bathroom, let Dixie out to potty, start some coffee or grab a drink, light a cigarette and sit for a few minutes. When the weather lets me, I enjoy grabbing all of my stuff and sitting outside with Dixie. Watching her explore the yard for the morning, checking on the other animals, listening to the birds, waiting on me to say the magic words, "Ya ready to get your breakfast?" 

......or why I am even doing it.

Why am I even doing this? I honestly have no fucking idea!!

I've asked myself that so many times over the last several days. ok in my lifetime too, but I've asked it a lot over the last week simply because I want an answer. I want an answer to what is driving me to sit down and hack away at the keyboard, ok kinda because my nails are still super long, and I haven't made a decision there yet. Let me be real, I don't have the energy do to anything with them yet. 

What is making me want to sit here and type out my life, my thoughts, my fears, my feelings, and my soul. Why isn't my hour-long weekly therapy session enough for that? I mean the world is gonna see this. What is this going to help? Is it going to help or is bearing everything that I am gonna hurt me?  Who is gonna take and use every word against me? Who is gonna tell me I am wrong or I dont know what I am talking about. Who is gonna make me feel that I dont matter? 

I am doing this for no one but me because that is what I feel that I need to do. Im doing this so that I have an outlet for my voice. I am doing this so that I may find others that go through the same struggles I do. I am doing it for the person who hasn't done it yet, so they dont have to do it alone.